i probably need a cake right now

i probably need a cake right now

most days i try to be as unapologetic as possible because when you've been apologizing your entire life thinking that you're the reason why some people in this world just don't click with you, you start developing this 'fuck you, this is my life' mentality where you try to be as unapologetic as possible.

well apparently, i can't seem to keep up that armor. at least not today or for the last few days.

the reason why i have been blogging so much less is because i'm just.... here, alive but not really. life has been extremely difficult for me and my family, like the biggest elephant in the room hidden beneath the broken bone of my mother's elbow as a result of a morning car accident last month.

work life has been pretty much monochromatic for me. get up from bed, go to work, do my job and that's it. it's boring but it's life and life requires money.

so today i mass deleted my tweets again, 3097 of them. i unfollowed a few people and checked the people who unfollowed me — some made me feel guilt, others i don't care. i always say i don't care about who unfollowed or blocked me because to some extend, i really don't. but sometimes there's still that feeling of 'oh shit, maybe i did something wrong to upset that person' especially if they're people i wanted to be friends with. it kind of makes me want to apologize because that's what i do best — apologize for being, well, me. i probably shouldn't, though. people can like whoever they want to like and i don't need everyone to love me. i don't need anyone's approval. hey, i'm a leo. i am a strong woman or at least i try to be.

human relationship is too complicated for me right now.

honestly, i feel like shit and like i don't belong anywhere. i'm a mess and my life is pretty much a landslide at this point. it's the depression again, i can tell. and it's making this post irrationally all over the place.

i hate this layout. it's so outdated and boring and not as good as other people's blogs. i want to use squarespace but i'm poor af. i want to move to wordpress but again, i'm poor af. a blog's quality shouldn't be judged by how beautiful the theme is. it should be judged based on its content. but you know me, i'm a perfectionist to the point where i'm my own destroyer.

everything tastes like corrosive steel and toxic fumes in my mouth. i hate how i am as a person and i hate how my life isn't advancing like everyone else's. my relationship with life, with myself and with other people — nothing goes right. i always say the wrong shit, tweet too much and speak too vocally. i'm such an angry person sometimes and i hate it.

maybe this is why i don't have friends.
told you, human relationship is so damn annoying and so damn hard to maintain.

i envy and i applause actual unapologetic people who live their life without regret. randomly, i think about coco chanel. so i listened to this podcast from parcast network where they talked about coco chanel and i think i just fell in love. this makes me want a coco mademoiselle perfume now, just so i can feel like i have my life put together even if it's only a facade.

i'm not sure where this post is going. i'm just here typing down things randomly and messily. this is definitely not a well structured post. guess i just turned this blog into a light confession room but eh, i'm not religious or anything.

you know what, i probably need a cake and a constant reminder to myself that i should learn to ignore more. if people don't like me, i shall ignore them. if people unfollow or block me, i shall ignore them. if people don't click with me, i shall ignore them. i shall ignore and not dwell; i shall be myself and not try to adapt for the sake of others.

i swear this post isn't a sorry excuse to get myself a fulfilling strawberry cake.