Twenty Three, No Rush

Twenty Three, No Rush

I tend to not like birthdays, except for the part where I can stuff my face with cakes. So really, the thought of turning twenty three kind of drives me insane. Having my age increased by one seems to have fueled the already existing messy thoughts I've had since taking a break. Now, this post isn't about getting myself wasted on my birthday. It's about some revelations and thoughts I've had before finally reaching this point.

Lost. That was the first thing that crossed my mind when I woke up in the morning of August 15 and realizing I just turned 23. That must have been how protagonists in fantasy young adult books feel when they realized they're destined to save the world, so I thought. I've had people telling me that twenty three is nothing, that I still have a long way to go. Perhaps they're right. Perhaps they're speaking based on experiences. I'd like to believe in the saying that life is not a competition. For someone who constantly believe in the 'you do you' ideology, I fail to shake off the thoughts of not reaching anything by the time I reach 25, or even 30. It tears my 'don't mind, don't matter' foundation. My mind wanders off to think, 'what if I die as a ghost and there will be no mark of me left, as a designer or a human being?' This probably sounds a little too much for some people but this is what it looks like when you're having a quarter life crisis. Maybe, what I need is to pause for a while and do what I do best: think.

I try to be in tune with my mind sometimes. It's difficult because I'm always a thinker planner first, a human being second. On my birthday, I tried to be the feeler. I tried to think back at all the things I faced when I was 22, the lessons I've learned even though I had to learn it the hard way. I never thought about birthdays from this perspective. It's pretty fresh, to be honest. Plenty of course, but fresh nonetheless.

I learned that being a worrywart is part of who I am. Ever since I took a break from blogging, I've been telling myself to channel the things that make me vulnerable into a series of motivations. I know, it's always going to be easier said than done, however, I think as long as we're able to keep the effort intact, we can always stand up again. After all, it's alright to fall and cry if you remember to pick yourself up again.

Another thing I've learned is that I don't need people who make me feel like a total shit. My awful experience with a toxic online friend who wouldn't let me express myself was enough to snap me out of dream state. I realized I don't need a friend of a friend to like me and then feel scared when they don't. I can still be friends with someone and disagree with their friend and it's a-okay. Or I can just survive on my own and only with one or two good people I know I can count on. I've learned that sometimes, we should just be unapologetic daredevils and embrace ourselves. After all, the mute, block and unfollow buttons are just a click away.

There are still a few other things that I've learned so far because that's how it is when you're human — you continue to learn. I worry about the future, about myself and whether or not I have what it takes to move forward. My mind is still in its messy, clouded space but really, when the answer is impossible to find in present time, all I can do is try make things work. Finding balance is something I never really pondered before. I thought it's something yoga practitioners do well, which is something I'll never be able to handle because I'm restless. Maybe I'm just tired from all the experiences I've had and right now, all I care about is to surround myself with tranquility. It's ironic isn't it, because zen and tranquility are related meditation and that kind of defies my inability to adapt to yoga.

I used to push myself so much to create, to blog every single week. I used to think if I didn't do it that way, my blog would be super empty and left behind. I was afraid that if I let myself rest, I'd lose my creativity. It's silly, I know but it's me and when it's just a part of who you are, you just have to embrace then balance it, kind of like how viruses will always be part of us and we know how to deactivate them.

Honestly, this may be such a boring, cliche and weightless birthday post to some people. If you were expecting presents and celebrations, I suppose you'll have to wait for the next post in which I may or may not share what my coworkers did or what I got from my boyfriend. For the mean time, this is what I have to say about my life lately.